Amazing Babies

Copyright © by Len Holman, 9/22/10


  Texas legislators have apparently uncovered an amazing mutation:  babies who can remember where everything was 30 years after they left the place of their birth.  These incredible infants have super memories which will enable them to be born in the U.S., move to some terrorist camp, grow up speaking the local language, train to blow things up, then—and here’s the part where evolution advocates just gasp—will return 30 years later and go directly to sensitive landmarks in the U.S. and destroy them.  Just like homing pigeons or moose returning to their summer grazing grounds.

  Now this is amazing in the extreme because 30 years is a very long time in an America which changes daily.  Go back to your childhood home thirty years after you left and see if it’s still there.  Hell, see if you can even find it.  So Representative Louie Gohmert, and Texas state legislator Debbie Riddle have stumbled onto not only an amazing evolutionary trend, but an incredible conspiracy, perpetuated by people who heretofore have only managed to stuff their underwear with fireworks and set fire to their tennis shoes.  Yet somehow, the people who couldn’t manage to blow up one truck in Times Square, only producing a lot of smoke and  public scrutiny, have created a method to allow adults to keep accurate maps in their heads of a place they haven’t seen in a generation.  But, if this were all true, how would it work?

  A woman comes to the U.S. on a tourist visa. She is pregnant.  She has the baby here and it automatically becomes a U.S. citizen, by virtue of the 14th Amendment (as presently interpreted), and then she takes the infant and goes back to Somalia or Indonesia or Afghanistan or somewhere.  There the lad or lassie will grow up in the local culture, carefully nurtured in the ways of terror.  When the candidate is about 30 or so, he or she will be sent back to America, passport in hand, to begin the reign of terror because this benighted individual will be a U.S. citizen and will not be stopped by Jan Brewer patrolling the Arizona highways in her Lexus.  This would-be bomber will have kept his English grammar and syntax firmly lodged in a secret compartment in his mutated brain.  He or she will open the map mom got when she stopped by Triple-A on her way to the airport, and will begin to check out potential targets for bombing and other nefarious activities.  The map, however, is 30 years old and that major dam on the target list has been removed, the plain flooded, and a new shopping mall is now sitting there.  City streets have changed, disappeared or been rerouted.  Things thirty years in the changing are not where they used to be.  New things have been built that weren’t there before.  The poor terrorist is confused and frustrated.  He or she turns to Google Earth or some other mapping system to re-orient the mission.  Now this potential terrorist is in exactly the same situation as a smuggled-in terrorist with a five o’clock shadow and swarthy skin and beady eyes:  looking for sites to bomb.  Of course his handlers in Africa or South Asia will have provided an up-to-date list of stuff to destroy, but he will still have to get to them, acquire the explosives and set them up without notice.  So if the two situations are the same, then the one factor which doesn’t match is that pesky 14th Amendment.

  It is argued that the 14th doesn’t cover people who are Muslims.  If we could re-write that one amendment to make sure only real American ladies would have real American babies which Sarah Palin or Glenn Beck would vet to make sure they were real citizens, then those sneaky pregnant ladies would cease having kids here because they wouldn’t be citizens merely because of their American birth.  Then no one would be tempted to come back here and put C-4 at the base of the statue of Liberty because those background –checked people would be real Americans.  Simple.  Of course, we do have a few home-grown terrorists, and of course, therte have been cases of naturalized citizens who have been apprehended doing bad things or planning to do bad things, and of course, some American citizens who are recruited do go abroad, blow up some rocks and do a lot of shouting and then come back to wreck havoc on American soil.  But the real concern is making sure that no Muslim can become an American citizen without going through what the rest of us have to:  heavy, unrelenting indoctrination.  Only then can we be sure that there is no threat to our unique, God-chosen country, especially our business infrastructure. 

  So we must do more than merely “secure” our borders, both to keep unwanted people out and to keep potential converts to America in.   Re-writing the 14th Amendment is going to take time, what with all the bleeding heart liberals slobbering on about human rights and dignity, constitutional law and all that.  So to prevent ANY pre-terrorist from coming back here after 30 years to work that jihadi magic, we need to all be Americans—a homogenous group with the same thoughts and goals and beliefs, like the Dutch or the people at Apple.  We need to SEAL the borders.  We must insulate ourselves against people who would taint our purity and to do that we must be firm.  We have a surplus of seasoned combat troops with nothing more to do after their tours in the lands of our many wars but polish brass and go to the gym.  We have enough weapons and machinery to arm half the world, and we have drones.  There would be no trouble sealing a border with that kind of firepower and personnel.   There may be some protest from those who don’t understand the seriousness of our situation.  We have illegal aliens, swarming our deserts and cities, women giving birth in our hospitals to future terrorists, people going to Canada to buy Viagra—it’s a real mess.

  We must keep our country pure and unsullied by those who would change it.  We are unique and exceptional:  crass, pornographically consumerist, hypocritical, and egocentric.  We don’t want to jeopardize all that, so we must be pro-active.   These people in Texas should all be given a medal for bringing this to our attention and the liberal media should not be allowed to mock these patriots.  And we should all be thankful that those sneaky terrorist now know their plot has been uncovered by the vigilant members of the Texas legislative community—otherwise I fear that their next step might have been to stuff their newborns with explosives when the nurses weren’t looking and blow the kids up right in the hospital.  Now, how would the doctors explain THAT to their insurance companies?


Return to Bylines

Bookmark and Share