B20-DES6
Of Scientists & Prophets
A Minneapolis Skyway Tale
Part 1
Copyright © by Dan Schneider,
10/5/01
[Originally submitted to Skyway News to be run in 2 parts on 10/2/01]
Ever since
the 9/11/01 attacks on our nation people in the street having been querying
themselves: Do evildoers ever receive justice? I can answer unequivocally- YES.
Although it may take some time.
Let me answer
by relating tales inspired by another recent query I believe appeared not long
ago in SKYWAY NEWS. A certain writer lamented the fact that downtown Minneapolis
lacked the assorted nuts of yore- i.e.- those wacky folk who make life
interesting: those people who mutter to themselves or do crazy stunts for no
reason at all. Well, to that writer I can only echo the old Superman tv
show opening! Yes, all the nuts reside in the Skyway. I have worked in downtown
Minneapolis for AT&T for over 4½ years now & have seen a lot of
wackos: retards, would-be shamans, schizophrenics, etc. Usually I encounter them
on my afternoon break’s constitutional though the Skyway. Most are rather
run-of-the-mill nuts- such as the young retarded white man who hangs around Ginelli’s
pizzeria in the TCF Tower & banks at the Wells-Fargo building.
The poor sap seems to go out of his way to say inappropriate things so people
notice him- especially a red-haired, freckle-faced pizza girl at Ginelli’s,
& a beautiful young brunet teller named Ashley. But, basically, he’s
harmless.
There are,
however, 2 terrors of the Skyway that have already become legend at AT&T.
The 1st is a schizophrenic, & apparently homeless, black man of
45 or so. He can be seen toting a wheeled set of baggage behind him. Often he
has several multi-colored umbrellas with him. But his most famed accoutrement is
a wooden staff that he wields with brass- the thing that along with his
muttering of Bible passages has earned him the monicker of Moses!
4 brief encounters- out of many- with the man stand out. The 1st 2
are actually non-Skyway incidents. The 1st is that my wife & I
often see Moses at the bus stop on the corner of Franklin & Lyndale Avenues
while waiting for the Uptown Poetry Group I run to start in the Steeple
People Surplus Store. Oft he spews epithets & panhandles
passersby, scaring many with his rants & umbrellas. The 2nd time
was when we saw the man at the bus stop on the corner of Franklin & Hennepin
Avenues a few months ago- this time he was waving his staff, spitting at a
passing bus, cursing, & whacking the side of the vehicle with his holy
instrument. Damnations echoed off the surrounding buildings. The other 2 times
are, indeed, Skyway tales. The 1st was a simple brawl he initiated
with another homeless black man in the TCF Tower Skyway opposite the TCF
Bank. Apparently the other vagrant had ‘stolen’ his spot looking out the
window. The final & most notorious Mosaic encounter occurred last winter at
a little after 6 am. I was crossing from the Hilton Hotel toward the Kinnard
Financial Center. About 20 yards ahead of me I saw a plump white brunet
40ish businesswoman in heels heading the same direction as me. Moses was heading
toward us in the opposite direction, apparently in his oblivion to all, when as
the woman & he passed by each other, the would-be vates grabbed the woman by
her left arm & screamt, ‘WHORE OF BABYLON! REPENT! REPENT’ The woman
froze in fear, shook, then tried to break away. Moses held fast & seemed
ready, willing, & able to smite the
unrepentant alleged harlot. As I drew nearer the scene I easily separated the
duo. Moses shrunk back into his world. As I tried to tell him it was unwise to
proselytize in such a way, the woman took off her heels, said nothing, & ran
in pantyhosed terror toward downtown. No words of thanks were spoken & I
have never seen the woman since. Moses, however, still haunts the Uptown &
Downtown areas.
But, dammitall, I promised you EVIL upbraided- not just wackiness. So let me move on
to the Minneapolis Skyway’s MOST notorious & nefarious denizen. Return
here next week for that tale!
Part 2
Copyright © by Dan Schneider, cosmoetica@att.net,
10/5/01
In last
week’s edition I promised you the Skyway’s most wicked denizen. Now I
deliver- but as with most such characters I do not know the man’s real name.
But over the last few years AT&T employees have recounted many
similar tales of this individual’s wickedry. I had my 1st encounter
with him almost 2 years ago. Returning through the Skyway of the Hilton Hotel
with a bag of Bruegger’s Bagels for a food day breakfast at work, I was
passing by Le Cache Variety Shop when my 6th Sense buzzed,
& told me to jump out of the way. I was right to do so because speeding
silently by me in a motorized wheelchair was a bespectacled slumping white man
of 35-40. He kept going without apology. I shook my disbelieving head because it
was famed physicist Steven Hawking! No. As with the cliché, it was Hawking’s
evil doppelganger- thus I dubbed the famed fiend of AT&T lore with
his mythic monicker: Evil Hawking! But why?, say you. Surely it
was an accident & the man was in a hurry? & surely who holds grudges
against the crippled? Well, here is why he is evil: he hates the able-bodied
& takes every opportunity to deliberately run into them with his wheelchair,
hoping to inflict pain. Witness:
As I
recovered from my near rundown, I kept heading for the AT&T building
where, in the same Skyway I would later save a woman from Mosaic conversion, I
saw a 40ish white woman in heels leaning against the railing & weeping. Her
back right ankle was bleeding. Evil Hawking was vanishing into the distance when
I asked: ‘Did that guy in the wheelchair clip you?’ The woman wailed yes. I
rendered assistance & got her to the nearest help desk. A dire legend was
aborning! A dozen or so other times I would see the dour disabled demon prowling
downtown Skyways, leaving a swath of pain in his wake. Then 1 day it happened-
Evil Hawking went ballistic. It was a Friday & I was returning from the Wells-Fargo
building after cashing my paycheck. The Baker Center glass doors to the
Skyway crossing over to the TCF Tower usually open by pushing the
handicapped button. Evil Hawking knew this. But this day, to his horror, the
electricity was turned off for a while as a young black custodian cleaned the
glass. As I passed by the man apparently had not opened the door quickly enough
for the Evil One. Hawking raged, ‘Open the door! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!’
amongst other epithets I cannot relay in such a medium as this. The handyman was
taken aback as Hawking called him every name in the book, almost daring the
factotum to lay a hand upon him. The young man, instead, finished, hung his
head, & walked away as Hawking berated him further. Hawking had gone over
the edge! People looked, but would not stand up to the seated Satan!
Then, about
3-4 months ago my constitutional took me southbound in the Lutheran
Brotherhood building Skyway. From down the long corridor I spied HIM humming
toward me. I looked about. We were ALONE! I knew he only clipped others in
deserted skyways & if you were not looking. I kept my eyes trained on him as
we passed. He eyed me. I looked backward in safety. From about 10 feet away it
happened! JUSTICE! A motor seemed to blow- or his battery died- or something
sputtered. Hawking’s chair conked out. He was immobile- & at least 100
feet from the nearest doors. He cursed! Frantically played with his hand
controls. The stranded monster looked my way as I smirked & left the Skyway.
I watched for over a minute as he wailed & swore- no one came to help! As I
left him behind I reveled in 1 of the few instances of justice I’d ever
experienced. Since that day I have not seen Evil Hawking. Did anyone help? I do
not know. Do you? But to those who despair over recent events- take comfort in
knowing not all evil deeds go unpunished! Just ask Evil Hawking next time he
runs into you!
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