Pop Media, Cock-Smoking, & Perspective
Copyright © by Dan Schneider, 7/14/02

  1 of the best media-savvy websites on the Internet is Whatever-dude.com. Started a year or so ago the site has had a number of rotating columnists- usually 20-something brats (in the best sense of the word) who give a Pomo/MTV/askanceness POV on all things pop. Often the articles are laced with humorously sub-captioned photos. The pieces skewer all things pop- from Hollywood to politics. Especially in the 1st year the site rode high on such rants against this or that. Lately, however, the site has started to slip- mostly because the writers tend to be aping each other & don’t have much new to say.
  Typical of this recent trend is an article by Chad ‘Fouff’ Leaman, posted 7/11/02, @ http://www.whatever-dude.com/posts/273.shtml . Titled The Cinema of Denise Richards the piece is supposed to be a humorous potshot at 1 of Hollywood’s reigning B-film bimbos- the aforementioned pinup Hotty Wit’ Da Body. The basic problem is that the whole approach is old- even before there was a Whatever-dude.com. Is it to be a revelation that nubile young thangs have fucked & sucked their way to ‘success’? Is it supposed to be funny to mock such? I mean, doesn’t every guy strokin’ himself over her photos realize that’s all she is- or at least portrays? Even Denise Richards- I’m sure- is at least vaguely aware that without her looks she would be checking out groceries at your local supermarket chain. Yet Fouff takes out a very real anger, not really disguised by the attempts at humor, in berating this babe who no one has ever given a 2nd thought to- even the masturbators out there, once they’re done. Don’t get me wrong- she may be a very lovely person, & very intelligent; after all- she knows what sells & aren’t the men who’ve made her a ‘star’ alot lamer than she is for exploiting that? I’ve seen DR in a few films, magazines, the old Melrose Place tv show, etc. There’s no doubt that she’s gorgeous, & I- like all males not dead, gay, retarded, or blind- would love a chance to fuck her silly. So, why the hostility? Not that DR is alone- Whatever-dude has skewered many a pop nobody- from Bill Maher (a dull comedian who they- for some odd reason- find intelligent) to Jessica Simpson (another too-easy target). It’s the seeming dull repetition of the obvious that is droning.
  1 may ask- but, Dan, don’t you do that, yourself, in your constant attacks on the poetry world? No. There are at least 3 important differences. 1 is that I differentiate my attacks on the person, group, or philosophy under discussion. 2 is that I attack from on high- I’m a better poet & critic than those I take to task- the whiff of envy is nowhere to be found. Whatever-dude & similar sites too often sound like fat ugly women who rail against Playboy. As if we don’t realize their primary gripe is with the Fates who have genetically denied them the opportunity to be a centerfold. 3 is that the poets & critics I attack are almost never taken to task- they are stroked, fellated, & praised with a reverential blindness by many ‘respected’ writers & critics. Who- outside men’s magazines- has ever argued the merits of a DR or Jessica Simpson on talent terms?
  Let’s gander at a bit of Fouff’s beefs. Here’s the article’s opener:  

  I wasn’t surprised when I saw Denise Richards standing in a slip with the word “trap” written beside her box. While she has a big smile and even bigger fake breasts, she’s so devoid of talent that the existence of an “acting” career is nothing short of bewildering. She suffers from what I’ve come to know as the “Tara Banks syndrome,” where she’s attractive right up until the moment she speaks. You can almost hear the air escaping Denise Richards’ vacant head with every word that thoughtlessly drifts through her cock-smoking lips, proving a Hollywood career is available to anybody sexy and sleazy enough. Despite film failure after failure, her career still continues to grow, maintained only by her *cough* natural beauty and her willingness to whore her body to the general public.


  1st off, I believe the Negro equivalent of DR that Fouff is referring to is Tyra- not Tara- Banks, a dim-witted African-American supermodel. But, aside from the neat coinage of  ‘cock-smoking’ to describe the lusciousness of DR’s labia, what here has not been said in countless other ‘hipster’ takes on Hollywood (in Whatever-dude, or elsewhere)? Does anyone recall just 2 or 3 years ago the spate of similar laments & demonizings directed at Pamela Anderson (or Lee?)- an ‘actress’ who made DR seem like Meryl Streep? Excelsior:


You’ll notice that all the photos in this article are blatantly sexual. Fact is, I challenge one of you to find a photo where she isn’t posing in a position that just begs to be fucked good long and hard. Her tits are the focus of every picture, pointing at the sun as her nipples shine and shimmer through whatever wet piece of clothing she happens to still be dressed in. Denise Richards is the cinematic embodiment of stupid whore.


  Again, what’s new? As I said before. shouldn’t that anger be better directed at DR’s target audience? Damn, she’s not the dummy. & she’s not the 1 whining about her maximizing her ‘best assets’. Would that we all had the opportunity to be remunerated for what we do best- even if it is merely being wetly photographed. I’m sure she realizes the ‘career’ of a so-so talent with great looks is alot shorter for the female sex.

Denise Richards, in typical Hollywood fashion, complains of being an ugly ducking while growing up. Ironically, she began a career of modeling at the age of fifteen. This confusion was cleared up long ago on Jay Leno, when her star was just beginning to shine a vacant grey…

Leno: Nicknames, did kids tease you?
Richards: Oh, actually, in Junior High, my nickname was "Fish Lips".
Leno: Fish Lips?
Richards: Yeah, kids weren't very nice to me in Junior High, so...
Leno: Hmmmmm.
Richards: I had big, fat lips. [Laughs]

HAD? Had big fat lips? Richards still has fish lips (although I still prefer the term “cock-smoking”), and let’s be honest, those goo-guzzling chops have played center stage in acquiring acting work. I’m willing to bet that those lips have sucked many a cock and tea bagged more than a few horny producers. Or, perhaps she’s placed the cast director’s head in-between her breasts and shook her body side to side, winning jobs by knockout. Her ability to continue an acting career most certainly isn’t dependant on her dramatic reading, as the following graphic which I blatantly stole clearly illustrates. 

  Be honest, Fouff- the real raison for this piece is because you know those luscious cock-smokers (nor those of even a 3rd-rate DR clone) will never be forcing your seed to the head, eh? As for the rest of the snippet- again this ‘plaint’ has been with celebrities & those granted a silver-spoon forever. Think the British Royals, the Kennedys, Elvis, & the all-time queen of talentless Hollywood cock-smoking bimbos- Marilyn Monroe. Who isn’t tired of hearing seemingly intelligent men gush over the ‘talent’, ‘intelligence’, etc. of this premier fellatrix? The difference is MM died ‘tragically’ (or was she murdered?) & the years have obscured the real slut with the veneer of ‘GODDESS’- lover of powerbrokers (the Kennedys), icons (Joe DiMaggio) & geniuses (Arthur Miller)- equally all led by their dicks. DR, unfortunately for her, is still alive, kicking, & on her gorgeous knees! Ever compared the cinematic careers of MM & DR? DR, at least, has a bit of a self-knowing deprecation in her choice of roles- & her approach to them. Even Jayne Mansfield & Mamie Van Doren knew who & what they were caricatures of- but old Norma Jean was absolutely clueless- & a total cipher talent-wise- & fuck the ‘she was so sensitive & helpless’ BS. & don’t give me that tripe about her ‘comic genius’ in Some Like It Hot- 1 of the dullest comedies ever filmed- or her ‘breakthrough’ performance in Bus Stop. That all translates into ‘She gave great head!’ Whoring has been a part of female success from the dawn of the species. & men are not immune to it either. Although the intelligent women know how to really turn the tables on their pimps. I’d suggest Fouff & others read Nigel Cawthorne’s Sex Lives Of The Hollywood Goddesses. NC seems to specialize in books about the sex lives of all sorts of pseudo-interesting folks. Here, he details the trysts & trade-offs made by Grace Kelly, Ava Gardner, Brigitte Bardot, Raquel Welch, Louise Brooks, Marion Davies, Clara Bow, Jean Harlow, Joan Crawford,  Elizabeth Taylor, Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, Lana Turner, Rita Hayworth, Tallulah Bankhead, & on & on. Even the few who seemed to have made it on talent alone seemed to fare little better in their personal lives- the 2 Hepburns- Katherine & Audrey, Ingrid Bergman & even the more modern actresses of note whose personal lives are a shambles: Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Gwyneth Paltrow, & Minnie Driver- is the fact that she seems stuck in B-films a tribute to her refusal to smoke a little cock? Later on in the piece Fouff has at DR some more:  

  Skipping over her role in “Starship Troopers” because I simply didn’t watch it, Denise Richards’ reputation as wackoff material was cemented with her appearance in “Wild Things.” The movie was billed as a crime/suspense/drama/thriller mishmash, but it quickly became known for one scene, and one scene only. Matt Dillion, Neve Campbell, and Denise Richards, all banging each others’ eyeballs out onscreen – a three-way fuckfest with Dillion licking booze off of Richard’s completely exposed breasts. The movie only avoided a porn rating by casting Kevin Bacon as a stumbling detective, whom attempted to solve exactly who was fucking who.

  The answer, Mr. Bacon, is that it was us viewers that were fucked. Fucked out of whatever we paid to see it, and fucked out of two hours of our lives. But I’m going to right the wrongs, doing my best to ensure no one else sits through “Wild Things” needlessly – click here and here and here to see the orgy screen caps, Denise Richards nude and nipply. They’re not safe for work, but if you’re at home and horny, click those links and whack off. I’ll wait. Honest. Go ahead… Denise would want it this way. You can see her exposed without having to hear her talk – after all, isn’t that why she’s been in all those men magazines? 

    Like Fouff, I’ve not seen Starship Troopers, but Wild Things is a very well-made whatever you wanna call it. While Matt Dillon (not Dillion, Fouff) is in his usual mannekin-like persona, Kevin Bacon is his usual good self, & DR does play a little slut pretty well. Fouff- if you really wanna see that she can act (& I’m not claiming for her Oscar-worthy talent, merely a modicum of ability) merely compare DR’s slut to that of her filmic lesbo-lover’s: Neve Campbell. Ever notice that since her tv show (say what?) was cancelled NC has been chronically unemployed. The reason is that- unlike the marginally acting chops-worthy DR, NC has zero, nada, zippo in the way of talent. I mean flesh-stoagying can only carry a babe so far! Not content with having his animus manifested as a personal diatribe Fouff returns: 

  A mockumentary satire on beauty pageants (oops, I mean “scholarship programs”) entitled “Drop Dead Gorgeous” was the next film for Denise Richards, one that is often overlooked when mentioning her career. Why? Because not only was Denise Richards her normal bland self, but her mother in the movie was played by Kirstie Alley. That is one frightening family, a tag team from hell with each sporting annoying voices, strange looks, and all together just plain irritable personalities. Imagine my pleasure when I found out that their characters’ family name was none other than my own, Leaman.

Hollywood, you’re a dirty son of a bitch. The thought of Denise Richards taking my last name is nothing short of nauseating, and I’d end my life before spending it waking up beside that IQ draining douchebag. 

  Drop Dead Gorgeous was a pretty good film- not in the This Is Spinal Tap league, but, hey. Even my wife liked it alot. Give DR a little credit- like Arnold Schwarzenneger she knows her acting limits & stays within them. Gwyneth Paltrow she’s not. Oddly enough, really talented actresses/babes also get alot of venom directed toward them. My wife hates Gwynny & my best friend’s wife loathes Julia Roberts. Is that the Playboy Syndrome leaking through again? 

  Seeing Denise Richards land a role in the James Bond flick “The World is Not Enough” wasn’t much of a surprise: but having her play a Russian nuclear fucking physicist named Doctor Christmas Jones was a huge insult to anybody watching the film. “I wear shorts and a tank top," explains Denise, "it's more scientific looking." And it should surprise no one that she didn’t even attempt to fake a Russian accent, as her dialogue was less sophisticated than a Garfield comic strip. Everything she did in this movie was wrong, expanding her suckitude to a whole new group of cinema viewers and proving that she’s naturally untalented. Even while off screen, you can sense her stiffness and lack of grace merely by the lines she recites. Her presence made “The World is Not Enough” the most painful Bond movie to sit through ever – thank God for the other Bond girl. Her only positive contribution to the film was filling out that scientific looking tanktop. 

  Uh- earth to Fouff. 2 names: Ursula Andress & Tanya Roberts. She’s a prototypical Bond girl. &, hey, were you really convinced that Elisabeth Shue was a scientist in Hollow Man? Fouff brings his bitch home with an attack on DR’s new hubby:

  If you were incredibly unlucky, you may have caught Denise Richards’ four episode stint on Spin City. Once again, her role was to add sexual interest to the show, done by kissing Heather Locklear onscreen. Off camera however, she began seeing Michael J. Fox’s replacement Charlie Sheen, a recovering drug and sex addict. And now, two years later, the couple is married: expect to see them in a future “Phony Couples Attack” article – Sheen will be hitting the bottle within days of the honeymoon. She’ll suck everything out of him, from his man’s milk to his will to live, destroying his faith in humanity and leaving him with nothing but a new found respect for his past drugging. Better him than me.

  I got it, now. It’s funny that dumb, young, talentless celebrities who know nothing of real human connections constantly enter ‘relationships’ that don’t work. If so, why does that also describe 99% of the other 99.99% of the human population, too? Here’s Fouff’s parting shot: 

I’m hoping that the future brings a wave of common sense. Just because a bunch of horny men want to be reincarnated as Denise Richards’ bicycle seat, doesn’t mean we all should be subjected to her onscreen presence, or lack thereof. Given her career to date, it’s safe to say her next film faux-pas will likely be just as revolting, annoying, and skanky slutty sexy. Some things come and go, others last forever.


  I don’t mean to rag on Fouff so much. He has some other articles that are pretty good. His piece on the aforementioned talentless Bill Maher was good, however wrong. &, damn- how does a no-talent like that get on in the biz? At least the image of DR cock-smoking is arousing- but BM (dig the apropos initials!)?

  My point is that unless the writing on Whatever-dude, & similar cyber-sites, grows up & moves beyond the puerile & relentless hipster cynicism, it is bound to continue to sag & then fade away- not unlike DR’s tits & beauty- natural or not. It, in effect, becomes the critical equivalent of DR’s- or worse, Pamela Anderson’s- tits. Unfortunately, unlike DR’s bod, there exists no plastic surgery to fix passé cool.


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