Ambidextral Ambiguities
Copyright © by Dan Schneider, 1/25/03

  In a recent essay by Fred Reed called ‘Small Poxes, A Study Of Left And Right’ the pundit tries to put a comic spin on the myopia that is expressed by both the left & right in this country. This sort of a humorous approach to dissecting the actual views of a group is a tried & true, if not trite, approach. Instead of rebutting the article outright, I’m gonna take a bit-by-bit dissection approach:

  Conservatives believe in the wisdom of common Americans to manage their affairs and make decisions for themselves. Exceptions to this are the half of the public who regularly vote Democratic. These common Americans are unfit to run their affairs and make decisions for themselves. It is because they have been deluded by liberal propaganda.

  Liberals also believe in the inherent wisdom of common Americans, especially those who don't have any. They think that the mother lode of wisdom lies on the low side of the bell curve. They discern qualities in the stupid, ignorant, and shiftless that engender a capacity to govern a country they can't spell. Coincidentally, these people vote Democratic. Liberals do not believe in the wisdom of the half of the country who vote Republican, as these are all CEOs of major corporations. The Left knows that CEOs, unlike welfare recipients, are motivated by economic interest.


  Points A & B:  A- The notion that conservatives believe the common folk can manage their own affairs? Uh, women are not wise nor mature enough to manage their own bodies without major propagandizing by anti-abortionists. Nor are gay people wise enough to know what they like, or what is good for them. Black folk are not wise enough to be in positions of power- do you really think the 500 best possible CEOs in this country are all white? Let’s see- I guess straight white men are the only folk conservatives have any faith in. B- Uh, is not the fact that Liberals recognize that the mass of morons out there who need guidance a sign of perspicuity? & do not Conservatives constantly assail Liberals for not trusting in the people? Point B is humorous, but utterly beside the point in the Lib-Con wars. As for the CEO wisdom- really? Enron, Worldcom, Arthur Anderson, etc.

  More stuff:


Conservatives believe that it is not the business of government to legislate morality, and thus want laws against abortion, pornography, sex education, and marijuana. Liberals don't want to legislate morality either. They want to eliminate it, along with learning, thought, civility, and other impediments to the undisturbed enjoyment of uniform mental darkness.


  Cons also want to impose religion into public schools, do away with public schools, defend marriage from those nasty homosexual types. Libs are in love with ‘morality’- has Freddy never heard of PC? Damn, the last 20 years has seen Liberal morality run amok in college life. PC is all about supposed ‘civility’. Again, Freddy displays his Conservative bias by supposedly dissing both while puling his punches on the Conservatives. Back to the original piece:


  The Right believes passionately in freedom, particularly economic freedom. The conservative therefore cherishes his right to strip-mine Appalachia. He does not, however, believe in your right to build a hog-rendering plant next to his house. That would violate zoning laws.

  The Left believes in economic freedom too, specifically the unalienable right of the shiftless to be supported by someone else. Oddly, the someone else is usually a conservative businessman.


  The Cons argument is correct, but the attack on the Liberal idea, while true to an extent, neglects to continue & say that the shiftless who are supported by someone else are usually the mismanaged American Corporate behemoths who get billions in bailout $ from the middle class taxpayer. The $ given to ‘corporate welfare’ is manifold that given to the shiftless (read- black & brown people); oh- & did you know that the shiftless in suits are almost uniformly pale & betesticled?


  Now, confusion is essential to politics. Just as third-world countries regularly mistake incompetence for socialism, liberals mistake peasantry for equality. Thus they promote the decline of civilization with the enthusiasm of Crusaders sacking Jerusalem, making us into dim comfortable serfs ungrammatically grunting.

  Conservatives also are subject to confusion. They regard unrestricted rapacity as a virile expression of freedom, like being in George Washington's army, and so favor reproductive incontinence, overbuilding, and the making of anything slow enough to be caught into dog food.


  Freddy is about as confused as his subjects are. Liberals do dream of a more equitable world wealth distribution because, oh, it would decrease crime, disease, & overpopulation- just to name a few ‘little’ things. & Conservatives do believe in the 3 things that FR mentions- but would that make them Liberals, who favor wealth redistribution? Must be, since Cons are so in love with tax breaks for the wealthy, which mean- of course- that the burden of paying for government falls on the middle class- AGAIN. That giving more to the rich has been proven, from time immemorial, to do absolutely NOTHING to prod an economy, I guess you really do have to call them Conservative for sticking with a scheme that fails again & again.


  Race is a major divide between Left and Right. Conservatives don't give a wan emaciated damn about blacks, whom they regard in electoral terms as the equivalent of a golf handicap. This distinguishes them from liberals, who don't give a damn about blacks, but find it useful to pretend. Blacks don't give a damn about blacks either, or they would cause their children to do their homework. In this tripartite agreement we may have the seeds of national accord.

  Racially, the underlying difference between Left and Right is that the liberal policy is active, the conservative passive. Conservatives are content to do nothing and let blacks rot. So, usually, are blacks. Liberals make sure that blacks rot by promoting bastardy as a birthright and illiteracy as a credential of cultural authenticity. Otherwise blacks might make money and vote Republican.


  Again, FR gives away his true biases in this section. Extremists on either side do not give a damn about ANY particular group- save for how they vote. But, even in a humorous vein, the cheap shot against black families is telling. The failure of blacks to economically succeed is usually blamed on the ‘failed social programs of the 1960s’. Hmm- seems I recall reading that the blacks before that period were not doing so hot. There are more black millionaires in the arts & sports (& other endeavors) than in any other country, at any other time, in the history of the world. The real reason they are not even more successful is because in the real power rooms of corporate America, blacks of talent & substance are never promoted & have to work twice as hard to get ˝ as far. Again- do you really believe the top 500 businessmen in this country are all white? As for the idea that bastardy & illiteracy are the purview of black Americana I say: Appalachia. More white kids are born out of wedlock in Appalachia percentage-wise, & many more in rich suburbia, than in Black America. Hmm, Freddy don’t do his homework.


  The Right opposes abortion as being murder when someone else's sixteen-year-old is pregnant by a tattooed drifter with a guitar and a vanishing IQ. This is why Roe-vs.-Wade will never be repealed: Conservatives also have daughters. Conservatives do think that abortion should be legal in cases of rape and incest, making it acceptable to murder children whose fathers behaved badly.

  While conservatives see abortion as murder, liberals see murder as convenience. If a woman changes her mind twelve seconds before giving birth to a perfectly healthy baby, liberals want a doctor to kill it for her. Presumably it takes a curious sort of doctor, but that is another matter.


  Nor is Freddy content on pretending to be objective by this point in his piece. Even in humor the point is a fetus is no more a human being than the proverbial acorn is a tree. Do you think your local lumber company would buy a truck full of acorns to make your dining room set? FR ends with this- excelsior!


  Left and Right work together more often than you might think. Hollywood, the home of freewheeling unprincipled capitalism, is also the wellhead of the socially destructive social agendas of the left. The movie industry grows rich by promoting promiscuity, violence, and the use of drugs. Then its denizens appear on television to denounce the chaos they have engendered, blaming it on capitalism and conservatives.


  Um, even were we to believe that Hollywood were the font of all social ills, need 1 be reminded that the bigwigs who have run Hollywood from Louis B. Mayer to Michael Eisner have all been- ahum- Republicans? Of course, promiscuity, violence, & drugs are the symptoms of a system where families in this country can no longer be supported by a single wage-earner, much less get medical care for all involved? & the cause- mmm, might it be the Conservative agenda of exporting jobs to 3rd World countries, where foreigners can be exploited at 1/10th, or less, the wage paid in America? Then the products are sold at ungodly markup to people who cannot afford it, so then are dependent upon the simony of insurance companies, who then complain when the Americans without good jobs have to declare bankruptcy, therefore instilling a drive for tort reform, so the plastic addicts can never clear their name, yet still be offered more credit & told to ‘spend, spend, spend’ as your duty to combat terrorists’ attacks on America. Of course, this is all meaningless in the face of mighty Vin Diesel cursing his way through a film with scantily clad superbabes whilst blowing away cardboard baddies. Add to that neo-Con columnists who pose as ‘moderates’ & try to tell the rest of us true moderates that America is just 1 big joke anyway. Damn, I guess I’m just too right on the money, Freddy. BTW- please wait till I’ve done another of my ‘duties’, & gotten vaccinated for small pox, before you send your teeny pox my way.

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