TOP21-DES19
This Old Poem #21:
Dana Bryant’s Heat
Copyright © by Dan Schneider, 9/5/02

  Dana Bryant was, a few years back, perhaps the hottest spoken wordist to emerge from the early 1990s MTV infatuation with spoken word. Unlike Wanda Coleman- she was young & sexy &- black, & unlike Maggie Estep she actually had a good speaking voice & presence. In fact, she probably had the most long term potential to actually develop in to a real poet, & put the spoken word crap behind her as a mere stepping stone to publication. Unfortunately that did not happen. Like so many spoken wordists they really don’t wanna be a poet as much as a pop star. DB fits that bill to a T.
  Here’s a brief online bio: 

Dana Bryant grew up in Brooklyn, New York. She made her poetry debut in 1991; in 1995, she released her first book of poems, Song of the Siren (Boulevard Books/Putnam Berkeley) and the following year her debut solo album, Wishing From the Top on Warner Bros. Records. She has performed in Europe and Japan with artists such as Speech (of Arrested Development), Zap Mama, PM Dawn and Ronnie Jordan.

  Notice that a # of years have passed since her last book of verse- & check out the giveaway title. Need 1 say more as to what her intentions were all along? The chosen poem of hers to review is- in the parlance- not really a poem. To judge it as a poem misses the point, etc. It is a ‘desire to communicate’, instead. Spoken word often congregates its words into alternating antiphonal long & short lines. The narrative trope of this poem is interesting, but it is too wordy, structurally unsound, & works only when spoken. In my rewrite I will show that this work can be an ‘actual written’ poem, & still function well- & better- as a spoken piece! Not to mention losing some of the wretched line breaks.

Heat

Extreme heat
was never a discomfort
rather it brought back memories of times she spent in the South
watching the
older grey haired woman in a multicolored floral dress
fanning herself
discreetly
in the waiting room at Penn Station
reminded her
she wuz uplled into the gesture
the way one may sometimes be drawn in a yawn
she was
brought back
to that time night twenty years past
the Pee Dee Baptist Church in Cheraw, South Carolina
where elderly women could be heard to sing
a righteous gospel
very well
whilst fanning themselves continually
between the hallelujahs n the amens
their round brown arms and bellies were swathed in too tight dresses
pomaded tightly curled hair peeking out from under rakishly positioned straw hats
and she remembered the fans
prefabricated numbers distributed by the Mamie Parson's Home of Everlasting Peace
complete
with a photograph of Bo Paunch McCall's youngest daughter Amelia
plastered
to the flip side
her honey brown face was directed heavenward
a surprisingly knowing smile on her pious lips
smooth caramel hands clasped in supplication and obedience
I want to give you devotion
and she remembered sitting next to Mrs. Thunderbird in the third pew
how enormous she appeared to a girl of three
buttressed up by an ample bottom
supported by slender calves
she seemed regally enthroned
pellets of sweat formed on the bridge of her nose
and above her upper lip they coalesced in tiny rivulets which trickled down her chin
through plateaus and creases permanently etched in her neck
to disappear in the secret place between her breasts
thank you Jesus
though sweat pooled in the ample armpits of Jett Thunderbird
and soaked her dress into the crack of her ass
she never acknowledged any discomfort
but rocked back and forth
in
it
Hallelujah
Amen
Yes
twenty years later
when other folks curse and sweat at the heat and look to her for agreement
she can only stare on with complete incomprehension
she can tolerate extreme heat
welcome it even
surrender herself to it coyly
and only seem to sweat
where her breasts
try
to meet

  Note how most of the shorter lines fail to sustain themselves: ‘in’, ‘it’, & ‘try’. That the piece is unpunctuated is not so bad since, at least, that is consistent throughout the poem. But the line breakage wavers- it is utterly random. Let’s look at the rewrite now & note how I use concision to say the exact same things the original does, but with less words.

Heat

never a discomfort
it brought back times in the South
watching the older grey haired woman
in a multicolored floral dress fanning
herself discreetly in the waiting room
at Penn Station

 
she was brought back twenty years
past the Pee Dee Baptist Church
in Cheraw, South Carolina
where elderly women could be heard to sing
a righteous gospel
fanning themselves between the hallelujahs
and the amens

she remembered the fans prefabricated

numbers distributed by the Mamie Parson's Home of Everlasting Peace
complete with a photograph of Bo Paunch McCall's youngest daughter Amelia
plastered to the flip side
her honey brown face was directed heavenward

she remembered sitting next to Mrs. Thunderbird in the third pew
how enormous she appeared to a girl of three
buttressed up by an ample bottom
supported by slender calves
she seemed regally enthroned

pellets of sweat formed on the bridge of her nose
above her upper lip in tiny rivulets down her chin
through plateaus and creases permanently etched in her neck
to disappear in the secret place between her breasts

 
Hallelujah
Amen 
twenty years later
she can tolerate extreme heat
surrender herself to it coyly
and only seem to sweat
where her breasts try to meet

  Ask yourself: What does ‘Extreme heat/was never a discomfort/rather it brought back memories of times she spent in the South’ have that ‘never a discomfort/it brought back times in the South’ lacks- especially considering the same title ‘Heat’ is above it? Nothing. The rewrite axes the redundancy of the original 1^st line, & the ‘rather’ & ‘she spent’ are shown for what they are- overwritten prose. Breaking the poem up in to stanzas also delineates the action & scenes described better. The original’s flows too quickly in to each other & work against each others’ powers. Now, let’s compare- side-by-side- the descriptions of Mrs. Thunderbird’s nasty bodily functions:

  The pause I inserted after ‘regally enthroned’ heightens that nice image of the devoted lady. There is a vulgarity in DB’s need to describe the lady’s ass that just does not work. Yes, spoken word or no- this is vulgar & too much. Isn’t there much more mystery in wondering of that ‘secret place’ than of ‘the crack of her ass’. Granted, some poems lend themselves to vulgarity- & are greatly heightened by it- this isn’t. Period. & we can see that my rewrite is much more poetic & entertaining. The last 6 words also heighten each other by appearing on a single line. Dropping some of the faux Negrolese helps also- since it is also applied very willy-nilly.
  This piece has alot of potential- my rewrite helps it on its way. If DB would only go back & rework it some more she might really have a terrific poem- but the original is just a clay of possibilities. That’s more than what alot of the poems looked at in TOP have, but still a long way from what it could be. Much like DB herself.

Final Score: (1-100):

Dana Bryant’s Heat: 63
TOP’s Heat: 82

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